Not Running My Marathon

Because I'm scared and not prepared.

That rhymes. Can it be a song? It'll be a sad one.

Darn it! I sooooo wanted to do this. Don't get me wrong, I still *heart* running and as I told my best friends, not running the marathon on March doesn't mean I won't be running anymore at all. But in reality, that seems to be how it's shaping up.

I'm reverting back to an old, sedimentary lifestyle; one of ill-movement and nil exercise and it's not a happy place. It's a rut and I feel stuck in it. And it's not just the running or the build-up to my marathon. It seems deeper than that.

When I was working this no-brainer, dead-end job in the now-major TV network, I had all the time and energy in the world. I was "working," getting good pay, running after office hours at the most runner-friendly place in the Metro (in my humble opinion), and living the simple life.

Now, I'm part of a visionary company, with enough responsibility and workload to really put this job on the line. Nothing is sure and secure, I still haven't adjusted to the job, to my colleagues or to the company's directive, and I don't know why I keep making it my excuse for NOT RUNNING! This job challenges me in ways I never dreamed it would, and I think I'm afraid if I put too much effort into it and lose it all again, I'd die. Well, not really die, but I'd be crushed. Accepting this position was a major decision, not just for me, but for my family as well, and I think it's some twisted way of self-preservation that's keeping me from loving this too much, from keeping it at arms length and blaming it for my inability to now run and properly train for my marathon.

It's not my jobs fault. It's all mine and my lack of discipline. I guess I didn't fully realize that accepting a new job, even if it's for a company I had previously worked with before, would mean changes.

But the excuses stop now.

I think I'll run today. I may not run 42-kilometers on March but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try to get my stride back. And maybe I'll bring a boardgame to work tomorrow. High time I showed my real colors in my "new" workplace.