I think I can now honestly say, I've had enough. A great friend told me on my birthday, sometimes the Universe throws the total curve ball, not to say "This is all I've got for you", rather to show you just how much you've grown and can take the challenge of it.
I wrote this post on the weekend of my birthday. I didn't have the guts to publish it because I know doing so would finally close that part of my life that was wretched open by the curve ball. I guess I was trying to fool myself into thinking that was all I deserved, because its what I only had the time and energy for.
But certain turns of events... certain pictures, certain songs... certain happiness, and sadness, in other people's lives... can radically, overnight really, shift outlooks in life.
So, to you who will never read this.
You may think that not much thinking can be done in a few days but apparently changing decades can lead to entire afternoons of deep thought. And mine have led to one: Goodbye.
You told me once that its best to nip things in the bud. I thought it was your easy way out. No. I'm sure it was. And you were right. Because nipping this in the bud is more convenient, the smarter move to make and frankly just the right thing... for me.
Convenient because it lessens the hassles of heartbreak. You know how I feel about you and you play me like a fiddle. Each moment spent together just makes things more complicated and it has to stop. Because whatever fucked up math I make, I know this roller coaster ride will end with me in tears. And it will be, what, another 3 or 4 months before I gather back all my pieces. So I might as well end things now, and start picking up the few chunks that have fallen away. The easier to glue me back together with.
The smarter move to make because we both know we're no good for each other so this is the better option. I've already fought for you once. Actually... I've already started the fight again. With my friends. In my mind. And I'm tired. We both know I'm not the one with the brains in this operation so the less I think, the better off I will be. Besides that... I don't know why else this the smart move to make.
Oh wait. I do. Because its the right thing for me.
I deserve more. I deserve someone who will love me. And I mean really love me. Someone who will make the effort to see me. Who will respect me.Who will want to meet my family. Want to get along with my friends. And spend time with my dogs because he knows they make me happy. Who will introduce me to his family and his friends. He will listen the way I listen. Won't make fun of me when I get dumb, because let's be honest, I am most of the time. But despite the stupidity, he will take me seriously when I start getting serious.
I deserve someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with you.
Blame it on that song of Mr. A-Z. It's been in my head all weekend...
When you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
No more. I give up on the dream that could be us because I know, in my gut, it's never happening. You don't need me the way I need you. I'm nothing more than a nuisance in your life and it'll be only a matter of time before you dispose of me. So before you get there... I dispose of you. I give up because the deep thought has brought me the realization that if I stick around, I'll only destroy whatever semblance of self and strength and pride I have left in me by trying to fight and prove I deserve you to love me back. You'll never love me back.
It's not your fault. I came to you. And I'm sorry for restarting this whole shit.
I'm crazy. But I know this is the right thing to do. My turn to say no. And really... goodbye.
I'm glad I chose to do this now. I think I'm stronger, older... more tired but slightly more wise to know, really, I don't think I'll be crying.
I think I'm finally over it. :)