When the hell does "You'll get over it" begin

(Fair warning: This is going to be one melodramatic, gut-wrenching post. Not for the faint hearted.)

Someone, please take my iPod away from me. Just when I thought silence was my killer and I need sound to block out the thoughts... the lyrics in everything only amplify them! Gaaah!

Am I ever going to do anything right? Seems like each move I make now just pushes the knife in deeper, inch by frikkin' hurting inch. Today, I was supposed to be fine. I was supposed to be okay with it, because its time to move on and to dust me off. Why isn't it working? Why again, is the plan in my head failing?

FAIL! EPIC FAIL! Foiled again. Another attempt brought thundering down by ... I don't even know what. He said it's not me, and it's all him. That he's got problems that he can't deal with when I'm around, that I'd only get caught up in the mess of it all and that I don't deserve that. Crap. Load of crap. I don't BUY IT!!!!!!

You just got what you wanted and now you're off to the next conquest. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. That's all there is to it. Why fucking pretty it up with words of woe and sorrow when it's really just as simple as that? You got me! Punk'd! Thanks, rockstar.

Unfair that I attack you here? Unfair that, wow, after that eloquently written piece of my soul, I be on this rampage? Nothing about this whole bullshit was fair. When was it ever fair to me? The whole thing was stupid. It was a mistake! Wrong from the start. Everyone else who knew about it knew it was wrong to begin with and tried to frikkin' tell me, but noooo... I had to fucking fight for you.

And this is the thanks I get!?!?!? This is it?!?!?!

I would've settled for this, you know. Ah yeah, you already know. Stupid letter. I even confessed in that letter. Did you notice? I confessed what everyone knew and what I refused to admit to myself. Ha! You got me to honestly say the "L" word. Who would've thought... But of course I know saying it now, or before, or ever again, means nothing. It doesn't matter because end all and be all of it, you don't feel the same. You probably did, once, somewhere down that road we were on. You wouldn't have pursued the way you did if you didn't.

But who cares who loves who now. It's OVER! O-V-E-R!!!! Get it through your God damn head, girl! He's never coming back. You're old cow and no amount of 5-stages-of-grief will mask your scent.

That's twice this year now. Twice beaten. Twice broken. A girl can only take so much rejection. What makes this, this being the more recent turn of events, more hurtful is the fact that I never learned. I've been down this fucking road over and over and over again. Why??? I'm not ugly, I'm not inept, not unstable (shut up), but why do I just keep setting myself up for danger. WHY?

UNIVERSE, I'M SAYING IT NOW. I'M A GIRL AND I WANT TO BE PURSUED THE RIGHT FRIKKIN' WAY. I'm done with the chasing, the games, the uncertainty. Bring me black or white. So long, grey area. I've had enough of you.

And you... just when I thought I'd reached a height of pain with the other one before you... you come along and take the crown. Kuddos. Don't be a-breaking any more hearts along your way, okay?

I wonder when I'll really start to move on... Lugging around this excess crap baggage sucks. Maybe it'll be today.

Day 1

WHAT MAKES YOU STAY
Deana Carter

Look at me
I'm in a place
I never thought I'd be

Don't have the strength
To fight anymore
Or a reason not to leave

So tell me why I keep holding on
To something I just cannot see

What makes you stay
When your world falls apart
What makes you try one more time
When it's not in your heart
At the end of your rope
When you can't find any hope
You still look at him and say
"I just can't walk away"
Tell me what makes you stay

I'm not afraid
Of living alone
I was alone before he came

And I've been in love
Many times before
But this time's not the same

I've always been the first to say goodbye
Now it's the last thing I can do

What makes you stay
When your world falls apart
What makes you try one more time
When it's not in your heart
At the end of your rope
When you can't find any hope
You still look at him and say
"I just can't walk away"
Tell me what makes you stay

When it goes this deep
Feels this strong
I can't convince myself
That this love is wrong

What makes you stay
When your world falls apart
What makes you try one more time
When it's not in your heart
At the end of your rope
When you can't find any hope
You still look at him and say
"I just can't walk away"
Tell me what makes you stay

Tell me what makes you stay.

Dear Noni,

I wrote this yesterday, before you sent your message.

I knew. Doesn't diminish the hurt, or the surprise, or the severity of it all. But I knew.

No more what ifs. Took the risk and now I know my answer. It's too late. Wish we could've paused life for a bit longer. I'll be struggling with the pieces, but I'll get over you soon enough. My friends are more than willing to pick me up and dust me off.

Bye, Noni. I wish you all the best, too.

--------------------------------------------------------------

TOO LATE

Here I go again, what a mess

Nothing learned from the past
Brave face on but I'm crumbling inside
And here you go, cool as ever
Coming and going as you please
And I let you

Why even bother stopping the rampage
It's all gonna end anyway
No difference between now and then

Just tell me when you'll fade away
Don't let it be now, not yet
Put life on pause just for this moment
And stay with me

Here I go again
In a race to keep my sanity
Losing grip as we inch on
And here you go, a step ahead as always
Guess it pays to not feel sometimes

But why even bother stopping the rampage
When I'll just drown in the end anyway
In too deep, it's too late

Here I go again, but it seems now
Its too late to save me.

The Art of Letting Go

Saw this last night with my friends. Should've known that it'll only take a bunch of silly-nilly girls to whittle down the profound to the profane. Zac Efron is seriously one hot stud muffin.

And he's also a great actor to boot! Him acting all by practically his lonesome is classic. The boy knows his drama stuff. The movie itself is even commendable. The twist was a good play, but I kinda caught drift of it already when Charlie woke up alone in the cemetery.

It was, however, a fresh perspective to see how Charlie's relationship with Sam (the younger brother who passed away) still grew from beyond the grave. It gives the idea that relationships don't end with death. Okay, kind of counter-productive with the concept of letting go, but sometimes when you're not ready to give up on the memory of someone, it's a good belief to have that somehow the person's still with you, watching you and talking you thru the good and the bad.

I've never lost someone. Yet. And I know it will kill me when I do. I'd probably do a Charlie and meet up with my dead everyday to banter with them at sunset. But like what Charlie went thru, a solid point of letting go must happen, and it will eventually, when everyone involved is ready. It may take a few years. Heck, it may take a blossoming love life to do it, but the moving on and letting go will always happen.

Charlie St. Cloud visually portrays the art of letting go and getting on with life, without belittling the grief one goes thru with the loss of a loved one. For me, it means the grief is just as important as the letting go.

School Life

Grade 1 - Rosas
Grade 2 - Talon
Grade 3 - Esmeralda
Grade 4 - Liwayway
Grade 5 - Tambuli
Grade 6 - Luntian
Grade 7 - Kalinga

Freshman - I-3
Sophomore - II-1
Junior - III-5
Senior - IV-5

Funny how I remember stupid things like these...

Jumping Off The Bridge

Chris Guillebeau, author of The Art Of Non-Conformity, opens his book with these two paragraphs:

When you were a kid and wanted to do something your parents or teachers didn't like, you may have heard the question, "If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you?" The idea is that it's not good to do something stupid, even if everyone else is doing it. The logic is think for yourself instead of following the crowd. It's not bad advice, even if it's sometimes used to exert control more than to support independent thinking.

But one day, you grow up and suddenly the tables are turned. People start expecting you to behave very much like they do. If you disagree and don't conform to their expectations, some of them get confused or irritated. It's almost as if they are asking: "Hey, everyone else is jumping off the bridge. Why aren't you?"

Yet again, the master has hit the mark. Everyone goes through it and no one knows when the line was drawn. All of a sudden we're supposed to fit into the standard cookie cutter: college grads, working right after, all supposed to help out in the household, all supposed to be home early to get to work on time the next day... The non-confirmist life of the child, the one who was told not to jump off the bridge when everyone else does, has turned boring and mundane.

I don't ever want to be that. I refuse to be normal, typical and everyday. I want to be extraordinary. And I suppose that's why I continuously write here. I find that my writing, somehow, makes me different from the rest.

Yeah, yeah, there are a billion and one bloggers out there, many of whom actually make sense. Then again, that's what makes me love this blog so much. It doesn't have to make sense every time. Entries don't have to fit the title. Thoughts of crazy are always welcome.

I guess what I'm saying is, don't fall for the trap of the cookie cutter. Sometimes, a good leap off the bridge every now and then gives you an excellent view of the horizon.

Change It Up

The problem with not putting it all on the line is that it will never (ever) change things for the better.

No risk, no art. No art, no reward.

~Seth Godin

I dare you to change it up.

Come on.

Let's go.