Thursday, September 30, 2010

When the hell does "You'll get over it" begin

(Fair warning: This is going to be one melodramatic, gut-wrenching post. Not for the faint hearted.)

Someone, please take my iPod away from me. Just when I thought silence was my killer and I need sound to block out the thoughts... the lyrics in everything only amplify them! Gaaah!

Am I ever going to do anything right? Seems like each move I make now just pushes the knife in deeper, inch by frikkin' hurting inch. Today, I was supposed to be fine. I was supposed to be okay with it, because its time to move on and to dust me off. Why isn't it working? Why again, is the plan in my head failing?

FAIL! EPIC FAIL! Foiled again. Another attempt brought thundering down by ... I don't even know what. He said it's not me, and it's all him. That he's got problems that he can't deal with when I'm around, that I'd only get caught up in the mess of it all and that I don't deserve that. Crap. Load of crap. I don't BUY IT!!!!!!

You just got what you wanted and now you're off to the next conquest. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. That's all there is to it. Why fucking pretty it up with words of woe and sorrow when it's really just as simple as that? You got me! Punk'd! Thanks, rockstar.

Unfair that I attack you here? Unfair that, wow, after that eloquently written piece of my soul, I be on this rampage? Nothing about this whole bullshit was fair. When was it ever fair to me? The whole thing was stupid. It was a mistake! Wrong from the start. Everyone else who knew about it knew it was wrong to begin with and tried to frikkin' tell me, but noooo... I had to fucking fight for you.

And this is the thanks I get!?!?!? This is it?!?!?!

I would've settled for this, you know. Ah yeah, you already know. Stupid letter. I even confessed in that letter. Did you notice? I confessed what everyone knew and what I refused to admit to myself. Ha! You got me to honestly say the "L" word. Who would've thought... But of course I know saying it now, or before, or ever again, means nothing. It doesn't matter because end all and be all of it, you don't feel the same. You probably did, once, somewhere down that road we were on. You wouldn't have pursued the way you did if you didn't.

But who cares who loves who now. It's OVER! O-V-E-R!!!! Get it through your God damn head, girl! He's never coming back. You're old cow and no amount of 5-stages-of-grief will mask your scent.

That's twice this year now. Twice beaten. Twice broken. A girl can only take so much rejection. What makes this, this being the more recent turn of events, more hurtful is the fact that I never learned. I've been down this fucking road over and over and over again. Why??? I'm not ugly, I'm not inept, not unstable (shut up), but why do I just keep setting myself up for danger. WHY?

UNIVERSE, I'M SAYING IT NOW. I'M A GIRL AND I WANT TO BE PURSUED THE RIGHT FRIKKIN' WAY. I'm done with the chasing, the games, the uncertainty. Bring me black or white. So long, grey area. I've had enough of you.

And you... just when I thought I'd reached a height of pain with the other one before you... you come along and take the crown. Kuddos. Don't be a-breaking any more hearts along your way, okay?

I wonder when I'll really start to move on... Lugging around this excess crap baggage sucks. Maybe it'll be today.

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