Disclaimer: I'm sorry. I tried, really, to stop myself from writing this entry but when you deal with the idiotic drivers of the Metro on a daily basis, from QC to Makati, stopping yourself from exploding in cusses and rants is just darn impossible. This is going to be a bad one. You've been forewarned.
You know what, assholes I can take. I call them gago drivers (gago being our tagalog counterpart of asshole); they're motorists who assume the road is theirs and theirs alone, that they can do whatever the hell they want on it. Gago drivers are generally those who earn a living off driving: bus, jeepney and taxi cab drivers, truckers, delivery servicemen... that sort. They tend to be gago because in this horrid state of Metro Manila traffic (and the overpopulated roads of the Philippines) every man has to serve himself, especially if driving is rooted in the only income your family lives on. Public transport operators stop and go as they please, getting more passengers or letting them off right smack in the middle two lanes. They run their rides like there's no tomorrow then suddenly pull on the brakes when a someone hails them over. They're stressful, I know, and honestly, I dislike them as much as anyone else but as simple members of a DE society that's just trying to put food on the table for the night... can you really blame them for being foolhardy and reckless?
However, the gago driver is not to be mistaken with the bobo ones (bobo being our tagalog counterpart for STUPID!). Hay yay yay, people! Like I said, assholes I can deal with but people who are just naturally stupid drivers... Please get this mantra through your head: if you can't hack Metro Manila traffic, then get off the road, b*tch! To the bobo drivers of my fair country, this is for you:
1. No to cutting corners!
Please learn how to turn left properly. Were you so God awful at geometry that you can't make a clean 90-degree turn to save your life? Or, oh, you say you're in a hurry? ... DUDE! Cutting corners won't get you anywhere any faster! In fact, it can even NOT get you anywhere at all 'cause you'll likely run over some pedestrian looking in the right direction or get yourself in a head-on collision with some other car who's on the right lane. Jeez!
2. Trak ka, teh?!
Now, when you turn right... dearie, your Honda Civic is nowhere near as long as the 10-wheeler you're following, ergo you don't have to turn corners the way he does! You're driving a sedan or an SUV, not a truck. Underestimate your left turns but overestimate your rights: what the freak's wrong with you?
3. U-turn headache.
Ah the dreaded U-turns of Q. Ave., Commonwealth and Marcos Highway. Yes, I agree they're not the best things that happened to MMDA ruling under Mr. Bayani's reign but what can you do? Dare you cross the sementado islands that mar our intersections? (No.) I thought so. As such, drivers of the Metro have to adapt. Adapt. ADAPT, I say! For the love of all things good and Holy, why can't you do a decent U-turn?! When you make the U-turn, you're not supposed to go into the middle lane straight away. (But how do you expect me to get off at my "intersection"?) By taking it one friggin' lane at a time! See those big cement blocks on the road, they're protecting you from the traffic flow. Use them wisely. Egads, what is it with you and turning?
4. Taking up two lanes.
No no no no! NO! Lanes are painted on the road for a reason. You're not supposed to be on top of one line, following it like Dorothy on the yellow brick road. That's not how it goes! What, scared of on-coming traffic? Scared to let the jeepney pass lest he scratch your new caroo? Do I give a damn? Do I seem like I give a damn in the tiniest bit? Get over it, moron, or take out the old jalopy from the garage. Scratches, bumps and bruises are a fact of driving life. If you can't deal with it... (Get off the road, b*tch!)
5. Dalawang lane na ngang kinain, nakuha pang magbagal.
Ganda mo rin, eh noh? Here's a little something from Yahoo! Answers for your pretty little pea brain: "People need to realize the right lane is the slow lane and the left is the passing lane." No, that doesn't apply to just SLEX and the the other expressways of GMA. If you choose to drive slow, stay on the right so other vehicles (like our car!!!!) can pass you. Gad, who issued your license?!?
6. Don't block the intersection.
Imagine this. You're on the main road. Traffic is bumper to bumper and you're not going anywhere. There's an intersection coming up ahead but you pretend not to see it and just keep on going at snail's pace, blocking other people's way. Since you're stuck in traffic, everyone else might as well be, right? WRONG! What is the matter with you and your danged crab mentality? Other people have a road clear of traffic ahead of them, why can't you just not block the damned intersection and let them pass? What? No yellow box painted on the road for your guidance? Do you seriously need the yellow box to know something as basic as DO NOT BLOCK THE INTERSECTION?!?! Just how dumb are you?
7. Ped Xing please.
Oh, here's something painted on the road that you just looooooove to run over. See those white vertical lines at nearly every stop light? Their called pedestrian lanes. Say it with me now, pe-des-tri-an lanes! They're for, you guessed it, PEDESTRIANS! I didn't know they spelled pedestrian as C-A-R nowadays! Oh, wait, that's just you being your idiotic self! Let people cross the road, you nitwit!
8. No such thing as toll on the railway.
You know why juan-tamad bums like to stand on the middle of the railway crossing collecting coins from cars that pass by? Because there are geniuses like you to take advantage of! Tolls fees are collected only from authorized venues, and generally go to the government, not straight into the pocket of some bum off the street. Wait, lightbulb! Why don't you do just what the sign says: STOP LOOK AND LISTEN! Then you won't need that toll-faker bum to tell you when its safe to cross the tracks.
9. "Stop the car and buy me that fruit." said Senyora.
But idiot-you can't find a spot to pull over into... What's a wee driver to do? Pull up the handbrake and turn the flashers on before getting out of the car, of course. WRONG! It doesn't work that way. Having your flashers on doesn't mean you can just stop in the middle of the road, without having the decency to park your stupid vehicle properly, and just get out of the car to do as your pretty li'l senyora says. Chop, chop, Juancho! Get with the program. She got you as a driver because she doesn't know any better. BUT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO. Flasher or no flasher, you know stopping in the middle of the road is wrong. (But them jeepney drivers do it...) Jeepney driver ka ba? You're trying to be an asshole when you're naturally an idiot. Gago sila, bobo ka lang! Here's an idea: if you can't find a spot to park in, why don't you KEEP ON DRIVING! "Senyora, paumanhin po. Wala po tayong mapagpaparadahan. Maghahanap lang po ako ng maayos na lugar para hindi po tayo sagabal sa trapiko." Now, was that so hard to do?
Yes, I'm angry. And this is me not even driving yet! Pray you never cross me on the road in the middle of a rage. I swear I'll take out a pen and scratch your car from head- to taillight. I've done it before.
Hope the mantra has stuck. If you can't hack Manila traffic then... (get off the road, b*tch!)