Monday, February 21, 2011

A few thoughts on love.

"When a boy, out of the blue, tells a girl he loves her, magic could happen and the world is less two lonely people."
I wrote that. Back in July 25, 2010, in a post entitled Action/Reaction. I think I wrote the entry after watching a Criminal Minds episode that featured a foster kid turned serial killer after years of abuse from the person he grew up to know as his "mother." The point of the entry was simple enough: every tiny thing we do has some effect somewhere else and it's not always pretty.

Yet the little quote above... WOW... So out of the blue. My best friend and I have long discussions on marriage, commitment and family life, and I've told her one too many times that I'm open to a life of single-blessedness. My take has always been, "If it happens, fine. If it doesn't, that's one less headache I have to worry about." Right?

So, where on Earth, from a post that stemmed from a serial killer episode on TV, did two-less-lonely-people come from?

Love has forever been my taboo. I try, as much as possible, to not write about it because truthfully, it scares me. The thought of two people committing, to being loyal to each other, to seeing each other through the good and the bad, to accepting faults and failures, and exuberantly celebrating triumphs... Yeah, I'm afraid of that.

It would be so much easier to say love baffles me. Or claim that I find writing about love weak and too frou frou emotional. Or that I don't think about it much at all. Easier and all together wrong.

My fear of love comes from experience. Cheating, lies, hiding, denial... Name it, I've likely been through it. And I am this because of it: Jaded. Untrusting. Closed off and always on the side of self-preservation. I've been hurt... too often in my opinion, and I suppose being protective and overly critical when it comes to the craptastic, icky-luuuurv stuff is my natural reaction.

Despite the fear, though, love is still part of my bucket list: to be in-love and be in-loved back. Did I ever tell you that one of my most favorite love songs comes from the animated Disney classic "Cinderella?" My favorite line from So This Is Love goes, "This is the miracle that I've been dreaming of" because it sums up exactly how I see love. A mystery; a miracle that happens only in dreams, and dreams hardly ever come true. Its the something that happens to everyone else but me. Then, Jaded-Me pipes in with "That's okay." Sometimes, I wish I could just tell Jaded-Me to put a sock in it.

I admit, I have issues with love but I have to accept the fact that a part of me still thrives in the thought of it. I would never have written that line above in a previous entry if I didn't. Despite the fear, there's a part of me wants to stop being jaded, to start trusting again and be open to the possibility of forever.

Someday, the universe will hear the plea of non-Jaded-Me. I look forward to the day a boy looks me in the eye and tells me he loves me. The world will be less two lonely people and I'll be over the moon with joy. :)

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