There are just some days...

...when it hits you, you're not doing your job right.

Today is that day for me. And I'm paying for it. I just pray to God it doesn't get any worse from here, that I learn my lesson and start being more proactive.

I've always said that working in Media is a dream come true for me, and it really is. But I guess I've grown lax and haven't put my heart into work the past few months. And I can pass blame on other factors but why pass the buck when it can just stop with me.

I lack heart. It used to be my driving force for bringing a brand to life, for taking something out of nothing which for the most part of my career I've been able to do. For a great chunk of my life in TV5, I had heart because I thought what I did had great effects on the network. I could say that I lost the heart when the whole takeover happened, but why, in the first place, did I? A takeover shouldn't change a person's outlook on one's job, especially if he or she was retained in doing practically the same designation anyway.

But I did along the way, and I realize that now and I'm deeply sorry for it. I love TV5, this is my new family, my new home. I was bitter with the changes, as I supposed any youngling would be, but I should have learned to look beyond it and still see the importance of my position's outputs.

Doing major overtime for something I should have been perfectly on top of is a small price to pay, but its the decisions that will be made here on out that will make the real difference. I don't want other people (specifically my boss and our boss above her) saving my ass for this fault of mine, but at the same time, I hope they do because I don't want to lose this. Not yet.

Oh God, I'm scared. I really am. Do I still have time to make things right? If I live through this, it's not going to make up for anything. Not enough. I have to get my groove back, get heart and move forward. Nowhere to go but up from here.

Children of the corn, learn from me. Regret only happens when something horribly tragic goes wrong and it slaps you hard in the face. There will be pitfalls in every situation but it's best to be prepared for the worst by being always being on your A-game.

I'll turn this around, you can bet my life on it.